【作文】小溪边的夏天作文400字范文：暑假里的那条小溪

小溪作文怎么写：选三个场景，按时间排开

写暑假里的小溪，第一步不是动笔，是挑场景。翻开作文本对着题目发呆，多半是因为脑子里没有具体的东西。给自己定一个规矩：只挑三个场景，多了写不下。溪边的柳树、水里的小虾、岸边的野花，这三个最稳，因为每个都能蹲下来看，也能伸手碰。

第二步，把三个场景按一天的时间排开。早上跟大人去溪边，先看见柳树，这是出发；中午热了下水捉虾，这是高潮；傍晚回家前采几朵野花，这是收尾。时间一排，文章自动有了开头和结尾，不用硬想过渡句。柳树放在早上还有一层好处：晨雾里的柳条和中午太阳底下的柳条长得不一样，同一个场景前后出现两次，文章就有了变化。

第三步，给每个场景配一个动作。光写景容易写成说明书，写景的人得动起来。看柳树时你可以伸手够一根柳条，绕在手指上；捉小虾时你得翻开溪里的石头，虾受惊一弹，水花溅到脸上；采野花时你得蹲下去，挑开得最盛的那一丛。动作一出来，景就活了。假设你写小虾，别写小虾很可爱，写它两根长须先探出来，身子透明，能看见里面一点黑，翻石头的手一抖，它就弹到下游去了。

字数分配也提前定好：400字的作文，开头两行交代谁带你去，柳树写一百字上下，小虾写一百五十字，野花写八十到一百字，结尾两行写回家路上回头望一眼。这个分配不是死规矩，捉虾是你最开心的事，多给它一点字数没毛病。

最后检查两件事。一是每个场景里有没有出现我，全是它和那里，文章就像别人写的。二是形容词有没有堆太多，一棵柳树连着用碧绿、柔软、婀娜三个词，留一个就够，剩下的换成你做了什么。按这三步写完读一遍，哪段删掉不影响读懂，就把哪段删了再补一个动作进去。

How to Write a Stream Essay: Pick Three Scenes and Line Them Up by Time

The first step in writing about a summer stream is not picking up your pen but picking your scenes. Staring at the notebook usually means your mind holds nothing concrete. Set one rule for yourself: choose only three scenes, because more than that will not fit. The willows by the bank, the small shrimps in the water, and the wild flowers on the shore are the safest choices, since each one can be watched up close and touched with your own hands.

Second, line the three scenes up along one day. You go to the stream with an adult in the morning and see the willows first; at noon you get into the water to catch shrimps, which is the high point; before going home at dusk you pick a few wild flowers, which closes the piece. Once the time order is set, the essay has a beginning and an ending by itself, and you do not have to force a transition sentence. Placing the willows in the morning has one more benefit: willow branches in morning mist look different from willow branches under the noon sun, so the same scene appears twice with a change, and the essay gains movement.

Third, give each scene one action of your own. Pure description reads like a manual, so the person describing has to move. When you look at the willow, reach out and pull a branch down and twist it around your finger. When you catch shrimps, turn over a stone in the stream, and the startled shrimp flicks water onto your face. When you pick flowers, squat down and choose the fullest cluster. Once the action appears, the scene comes alive. If you write about a shrimp, do not write that it is lovely; write that two long feelers come out first, the body is so clear that you can see a dark dot inside, and the moment your hand shakes on the stone it flicks itself downstream.

Fix the word budget in advance too. For an essay of about four hundred characters, spend two lines on who took you there, about a hundred characters on the willows, a hundred and fifty on the shrimps, eighty to a hundred on the wild flowers, and end with a last look back on the way home. This split is not rigid. If catching shrimps is your favorite part, give it a little more room.

Check two things at the end. First, does the word I appear in every scene? If the page is full of it and there, the essay reads like someone else wrote it. Second, are adjectives piling up? If one willow gets three words in a row, keep one and replace the rest with something you did. After these three steps, read the draft once, and any paragraph you can delete without losing the story should be deleted and replaced with one more action.

一篇400字范文逐段点评：哪里写得好，哪里还能改

假设有一篇四年级习作，题目叫《暑假里的那条小溪》，全文四百字出头，分五段。我们一段一段看它哪里站得住、哪里要改，改法都写得具体，可以直接照着动笔。

第一段只有两行：七月里，爸爸带我去山脚下的小溪。点评：合格。时间、人物、地点一句话交代完，没有废话，也没有在这个快节奏的时代这类空话。可以更好的一点是加一个出发时的细节，比如爸爸扛着网兜，我背着水壶，两行变四行，人物就立起来了。

第二段写柳树：溪边有几棵柳树，柳条长长的，垂到水面上，风一吹，真好看。点评：问题在这里。柳条长长的、真好看，是任何一条溪都能套的句子，把它抄给别的小溪也成立。改法是把看换成做：我踮起脚够到一根柳条，皮是滑的，末端已经扫进水里，拉过来时滴了一串水珠到我手背上。一个手背上的凉，胜过三个好看。

第三段写捉虾，是全文最长的一段，约一百五十字：我们翻开石头，里面有小小的虾，透明的，跑得很快。我捉了半天只捉到两只，爸爸捉了三只。点评：这段选材对，但叙述平了，翻石头、跑、没捉到，三件事一样重。改法是挑一个瞬间放大：第一块石头翻开，什么也没有，石头底下的沙子被水搅浑；换第二块，两只虾的长须先露出来，手刚伸过去，它们尾巴一弹，浑水直冲我眼睛。把失败的那一下写细，成功的那一下反而省字，文章就有轻重了。

第四段写野花：岸边的野花开了，有黄的有紫的，很漂亮。我采了几朵。点评：颜色罗列加一句漂亮，还是套话。改法是给野花一个用途：采的花不是摆着好看，是夹进爸爸带的旧书里，回家做书签；采的时候蹲下去才发现叶子背面趴着一只绿色的小虫，赶紧把手缩回来。用途加一个小惊吓，这段就属于自己的了。

第五段结尾：今天真是快乐的一天。点评：这是全文最弱的一句，快乐不快乐应该让读者自己感觉到。改法是删掉感叹，换成一个动作：回家的路上我回头看了一眼，溪水在太阳底下亮得晃眼，我跟爸爸说，明年夏天还要来。愿望落在话里，快乐就不用喊出来了。

A 400-Word Sample Essay Annotated Paragraph by Paragraph

Suppose there is a fourth grade essay titled That Stream in Summer, a little over four hundred characters, in five paragraphs. We will go through it paragraph by paragraph, noting what holds up and what needs work, with fixes concrete enough to copy straight into your own draft.

Paragraph one has only two lines: In July, my father took me to the stream below the hill. Comment: this passes. Time, person, and place are done in one sentence, no filler and no empty throat-clearing. It could still be better with one detail of the departure: father carrying a net on his shoulder, me with a water bottle on my back. Two lines become four, and the characters stand up.

Paragraph two describes the willows: a few willow trees stand by the stream, their long branches hanging to the water, and they look beautiful when the wind blows. Comment: here is the problem. Long branches and very beautiful are sentences that fit any stream on earth. The fix is to replace looking with doing: I rose on my toes to grab a branch, its bark slippery, its tip already sweeping the water, and pulling it over shook a string of drops onto the back of my hand. One cold spot on the hand beats three uses of beautiful.

Paragraph three, the longest at about a hundred and fifty characters, is about catching shrimps: we turned over stones, and inside were tiny transparent shrimps that swam fast. After half a day I caught only two while father caught three. Comment: the material is right but the telling is flat, giving equal weight to turning the stone, the escape, and the failure. The fix is to enlarge one moment: the first stone comes up and shows nothing, the sand beneath it clouding the water; at the second stone, two pairs of long feelers appear first, and the instant my hand reaches in, the shrimps flick their tails and muddy water splashes into my eyes. Write the failure in close-up and save words on the success, and the paragraph gains weight and lightness.

Paragraph four is about wild flowers: the flowers on the bank bloomed, yellow and purple, very pretty, and I picked a few. Comment: a color list plus pretty is still a stock phrase. The fix is to give the flowers a use: they are not for display but for pressing into the old book father brought along, to become bookmarks; and only when squatting down do you notice a small green bug on the underside of a leaf, and you pull your hand back fast. One use plus one small scare makes the paragraph yours.

Paragraph five ends with: What a happy day. Comment: this is the weakest line in the piece, since happiness should be felt by the reader, not announced. The fix is to delete the exclamation and replace it with an action: on the way home I looked back once, the stream shining so bright under the sun that it hurt my eyes, and I told father I wanted to come again next summer. Once the wish lives in the sentence, happiness no longer has to be shouted.